Chapter 3: Silver Linings
There’s a calm before the coming storm.
I’ve been trying my hardest to put myself in the shoes of everyone I’ve interacted with upon receiving my recent diagnosis. I honestly still have no idea what exactly I would say or do should the roles be reversed, but I imagine after the initial sadness and anger dissipated, I would feel really lucky that it happened to him not me.
But it hasn’t been all doom and gloom. I’ve been perpetually showered with overwhelming love, support, and even praise. The response has really lifted my spirits and given me added strength to fight. Folks I never knew cared for me have revealed themselves as champions.
My daughter, Iris, and I enjoying a beautiful fall day on our back patio shortly following my diagnosis.
It’s clear to me though that most are extremely worried about how I will interpret their response to the situation. I find myself constantly pre-empting each conversation with a “don’t worry about saying the wrong thing. There is no blueprint for this clusterfuck.”
I’m also met with questions of how I’m able to even function after receiving a virtual death sentence. The sympathy is poured upon me with a molasses like viscosity. Truth be told, even I was always skeptical at how I would respond to such adversity. Would I face the dragon head on with courage like the hero? Or would I waddle through the darkness before melting into a puddle of despair?
Turned out I was wrong to doubt myself.
In reality there wasn’t even a choice to be made. Following the diagnosis, after a few days of making plans to die, both my wife and I were forced to evolve our thinking and accept this new reality. Our options were to either search for purpose and meaning in our new life or become consumed by sadness and anger over the loss of a dream we were never entitled to in the first place. Fortunately, I knew I wasn’t likely to die tomorrow or the next day so that meant I was going to have to find a way to live with this for awhile. The human condition to survive is strong and you can feel it take over when your life hangs in the balance.. Again, there is no choice. It’s biology.
To help put things in perspective for me I would often remind myself of how some people are taken both suddenly and (seemingly) arbitrarily from this earth.
They don’t get to have all their favorite people from the entirety of their lives come rushing back to their side to spend time with them; to have conversations more genuine, loving, vulnerable, and necessary than any previously.
Many friends came to visit. Including my buddy, Matt, and his daughter, Remey, whom we proclaimed Iris’s BFF.
They don’t get the opportunity to see how everyone they merely come into contact with feels a whole new level of gratitude they’ve never felt before; to make the world a better place just by being alive.
They don’t get the cloud cover to suddenly become the man or woman they were always meant to be but never had the courage. The shackles of man made expectation fall away when you realize your time on Earth is very much finite.
And most importantly, those who are already gone don’t get that one last chance to soak it all in; knowing wholeheartedly just how precious every moment is when it may be your last.
But I get to have all of that and more. And for that I am thankful. A silver lining can be found in every story that has the luxury of not yet being fully written. Now that we’ve managed to locate ours, let’s introduce the key characters in this unexpected narrative. Starting with the villain…